Science! Here’s a Huge List of Things Causing Sudden Adult Death Syndrome
There’s been a huge explosion of people dying from a new affliction they’re calling “Sudden Adult Death Syndrome” or SADS. This is a syndrome for which there is no known cause, the health experts tell us. Young and otherwise healthy people are suddenly dying in their sleep when their heart stops. No reason. It’s just happening.
Never mind the fact that none of us ever noticed this happening prior to about April of 2021, after the COVID shots were rolled out. Deaths from “suddenly” were always here, but we just never noticed before because we’re not scientists like the important science people. The good news is that SCIENCE! is starting to uncover some of the reasons why people are dying from “suddenly.”
Frankly, it’s starting to get a little bit out of hand with all the new discoveries about death from nothing in particular. Remember how we all used to laugh about those articles declaring lists of things that had been racist all along, but we never noticed because we weren’t woke enough? Racist stuff would include snow, white socks, mashed potatoes, speaking in complete sentences and showing up for work on time.
Here’s a look at some of the latest research and mainstream media coverage on potential causes of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome:
Gardening: It used to be considered healthy to get some fresh air and sunshine while gardening. Not anymore. SCIENCE! says that previously unknown pollutants in dirt can cause your heart to stop suddenly. That’s obviously why none of our ancestors ever did anything that involved dirt or working around dirt.
Sweating at night: You might think that sweating at night is just something that happens in the summer when you can no longer afford to turn the A/C on thanks to the Putin Price Hike. Wrong! It could mean you’re about to die from “suddenly.”
High Energy Bills: Speaking of stuff that’s all Putin’s fault! A doctor in Britain says the huge price spike in electricity and gas is likely going to cause lots of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome deaths. No word yet on how gasoline prices are going to affect SADS rates.
Watching Television: Scientists have discovered that people who watch more than four hours of television per day have an increased risk of heart disease and dying from SADS. Wait, this is new info? I thought we already knew that sitting around watching the idiot box all day long made you fat and increased heart disease risks.
Falling Asleep with the TV On: Okay, I might be in trouble with this one. TV shows these days are so insufferably woke and boring that I can’t remember the last time I was able to stay awake until the end of an episode.
A Newly Discovered Secret Chemical in the Atmosphere: Now they’re just messing with us. Scientists say they have discovered a new “extremely reactive substance” in the atmosphere called hydrotrioxides, which cause heart disease AND global warming. Damn you, hydrotrioxides!
Flight Delays: It turns out that waiting around for hours in an airport, eating airport food, and getting drunk while waiting for your flight that’s delayed because so many pilots have been grounded with heart disease is bad for your health.
Daylight Savings Time: I know, right?
Being Tall: No word on whether being handsome is also a correlating factor.
“Redlining” during the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Administration: Scientists say blacks in America are stressed out by Jim Crow laws that allowed redlining of neighborhoods back in the 1930s and ‘40s, so they’re dying from Sudden Adult Death Syndrome now. It’s like a double whammy of systemic racism and SADS.
All of these were in published, peer-reviewed journals in the past month and each of those things has been covered by the mainstream media. It makes sense that researchers would want to find out what’s causing a massive spike in young and healthy people whose hearts are suddenly stopping in their sleep.
But in all these studies of gardening, secret atmospheric vapors, snoring and FDR’s redlining, scientists seem to be overlooking one of the potential causes of sudden death. And everyone seems to be afraid to check the correlation between that one overlooked thing and all these deaths.